Lesbian Couples: Important Considerations to Think About Before Having a Baby

Happy family with two mums and two kids

Some women knew from the moment they cared for their baby dolls as a child that being a mother was definitely in their future. Little girls often fantasize about who they’re going to marry and even who they’re going to have beautiful babies with… everything about taking care of a little person who can’t take care of themselves brought out their nurturing instinct at a very young age. As a parent, to see your child caring for a doll in such a way can be very heartwarming but this wasn’t necessarily a motherly instinct that kicked in for all women. And even though some women may not have experienced this as a child, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to experience motherhood.

In this world, there are women who have the desire to have children aren’t accepting of or willing to conceive the traditional way. In fact, there are women who have zero interest in the opposite sex at all but still want the opportunity at motherhood. Well, with today’s technological advancements in science and in medicine, this dream is now a reality for same-sex couples all over the world.

Lesbian couples are now given equal rights in every state in America. And having the right to get married as a same-sex couple makes everything legal, both in the eyes of the people and on papers… it grants rights to benefits of what every married couple experiences regardless of sex, including having children.

With lesbian couples, there are a lot of the considerations to think about are some of the same considerations as heterosexual couples but to be realistic, there are some considerations that are a little bit different than that of heterosexual couples. Take a look at some of the similarities and differences in considerations to think about before having a baby for lesbian couples.

Are You Really Ready?same-sex parenting

Having someone special in your life is already fulfilling but to share something as special as a child with the person you love is an unexplainable feeling. As a couple, you will experience feelings of excitement and joy as well as uncertainty and exhaustion, so it’s important to ask yourselves if you’re ready to accept all the fun of wet kisses and uncontrollable laughs as well as the sleepless nights and moments of wanting to give up?

As a couple, you both need to be ready physically and mentally. Becoming parents is more than just the possible hardship of conceiving a baby… taking care of a child requires a whole new level of skill set. You will raise your child in a home of normalcy; a normalcy to them… but when your child grows older, will you have the right answers for when they ask you why their friends have mommies and daddies and they have two mommies? Society made same-sex couples having children a taboo for so long but the world is slowly becoming more accepting of it.

Regardless of social acceptance, you have to be prepared as mothers to have those difficult conversations with them, and you might need to be prepared to have those conversations with them as early as three or four years old. So you see, parenting is more than just diaper changes, feeding the baby, and shopping for baby care essentials… you are raising little humans with very capable and impressionable minds. You have to be ready for all facets of motherhood.

Can You Afford a Baby?

You’ve heard people say all the time “babies are expensive!” Well, they weren’t lying! Babies are expensive whether you’re a same-sex couple or a heterosexual couple. Having a child requires a lot of energy and love but in addition to that, we mustn’t forget that they cost an extreme amount of money. In fact, having a baby is expensive before the baby even gets here!

Before your baby comes, you’re paying for all kinds of doctor visits, lab work, ultrasounds, and various other procedures and tests… and that’s if the mother that’s carrying isn’t experiencing any complications. If the mother is experiencing any sort of complications, she’ll be considered a high-risk pregnancy, which will require stricter observation.

So with that, you’ll need to be prepared to pay for possible copay fees, specialist fees, and possibly out of network costs, which can definitely get very expensive. After you’ve had the baby, you can expect a hefty hospital bill as well a continuous monthly expense of diapers, clothes, baby wipes, baby food, etc… the baby bills never stop.

Who Will Carry?A pregnant woman and her wife

The decision on who will carry the baby can be quite tricky. If this topic is left unspoken or not deeply discussed, it could lead to some unnecessary issues like who the biological parent will be, but there is a much more practical way to come up with the decision like considering:

  • Age
  • Medical History
  • Willingness To Carry
  • Not afraid to have body changes
  • Mentally Prepared

This subject can be very difficult for some couples more than others but it is a very necessary conversation to have. All of those factors play a role in the decision-making process but it truly is all about sacrifice. Whoever carries the baby will need to be mentally prepared as best as she can because she will experience mood swings and emotional distress.

The partner who is in the best medical condition would be the ideal candidate for carrying the baby. Something as simple as going to the dentist can affect the health of your baby. Crowded and impacted teeth are the main cause of various bacterias and diseases of the mouth. Something as simple as Invisalign braces can be your solution to straightening your teeth to prevent those issues.

Your body will obviously change but it’s commonly known that your belly will get bigger and your breasts will get larger but no one talks about all the changes in your breasts during pregnancy. From itchy to uneven breasts, are you and your body willing to make that sacrifice?

Conception OptionsA lesbian couple with a baby

Your conception options could actually go under whether or you can afford to have a baby, depending on which option you choose. Obviously, there are a lot of ways to conceive a baby but some of these conception options can be very costly outside of the traditional way between a man and a woman. Treatments or procedures like in vitro fertilization (IVF), intrauterine insemination, and surrogacy are some possible options to look into. These treatments are available to a lot of private clinics and hospitals.

Finding the Right Donor

Making the decision of who will be the sperm donor is another decision a lesbian couple needs to discuss. There are two common scenarios to this issue. One is using a known donor and the other is using an anonymous sperm donor. Both can cause rifts in the relationship or marriage.

If you choose a known donor, make sure you have deeply and clearly have had a conversation about everything that entails this process. Some people tend to be too involved which the couple may not really welcome. An anonymous donor makes things simpler as it diminishes the complexity of unsolicited people telling you how to raise their child.

Sometimes finding the right donor can be as simple as hearing the donor’s voice clip. The usual factors involved in the selection of an anonymous sperm donor are physical attributes, values, health history, mental capacity, and hobbies.


Just as heterosexual couples become parents, same-sex couples need support during this process as well. It requires all the patience you have as it can be frustrating, overwhelming and time-consuming. You can find support in your parents, friends, and even your community.

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