37 Pieces of Advice That May Help You to Be a Good Father

Gregory Oster is a Russian writer, most famous for his unique humorous genre and alternative view of parenting. In his most famous book “Bad advice” he denounces all the wrong behavior of the parents at bringing up their children, expressing his pieces of advice in the form of the blank verse, advising people, how to do wrong in a joking manner.

  1. Answering the questions of your children, please, do not forget: everything’s said can be used against you.
  2. Before sleeping, read notations instead of fairy tales to your children. It makes them fall asleep faster.
  3. If you are convinced that a child is too young to know something he’s asking about, try to give a blurry answer.
  4. Never think about an answer for the tricky question. Remember – you can always give a slap for the kind of question.
  5. If a child is asking about something you are not aware of, don’t confess that you’re ignorant. Tell about something you know well, passing step by step to something what you know even worse. Finally, he’ll get tired and leave you alone.
  6. If you are convinced that a child knows the answer to the own question, tell him so. Let him answer his question himself and praise him.
  7. If a child stutters of your answer, tell him that it was a joke.
  8. If a child didn’t ask a single question during your walk in the woods, means he got lost.
  9. Send the child to his mother. Let her answer all his questions.
  10. Do not relax if you could save your child from Oedipus complex. There’s still Pavel Morozov complex.
  11. Preparing a child for the life challenges, don’t tear his ears off.
  12. If the phone of your child is not available, it doesn’t mean that he’s done. Try to tell him to come back home calling him out of the window.
  13. If you see that your child has been working at the computer all the day long, send him a warning e-mail.
  14. If your child is asking you to buy the second slice of cake, just buy him a whole cake. Let it be a good lesson for him.
  15. If a teacher blames your child for wrongdoing, don’t rush up to get on her side. Always remember: a teacher for a school boy is the same as a wife for you. A child has to listen to everything what she says for hours, answer on her tricky questions and every day explain in details why he didn’t come on time. I mean didn’t come to the lesson on time.
  16. A child doesn’t have to receive the same punishment for the same repeated wrongdoing. When he shows his tongue to your guests for the fifth time, just put him not to the corner but In the middle of the room.
  17. If you hid matches from your children and have no idea where it is because you forgot where you had put it, you may ask your children – they’ll show with pleasure.
  18. If your child was offended badly, don’t rush to comfort him right away. Wait until he forgets the offence and just remind him about it. As he’d start to cry, hug and comfort him.
  19. Do not demand the impossible from your child. First, try to finish this porridge yourself.
  20. Never yell at your child in front of your guests. Wait until they leave, or whisper in his ear everything what you think of him if they stay.
  21. Sending your child to a summer camp, be ready that he will come back earlier on parole for his incredible behavior.
  22. Every child should have his own corner where he could stay. Just in case.
  23. Switches should be arranged low enough in the apartment. Otherwise, your child will not be comfortable to switch on and off the lights when you are in the toilet or bathroom.
  24. Remember that the delay of the conversation on sexual relationships will not prevent your daughter from pregnancy.
  25. Explain your child that he should know how to behave humbly and properly to hide his real intentions.
  26. Explain to your child that a man who breaks the rules of the road should hug his parents before leaving home and say goodbye to his pets because he might see them for the last time.
  27. Praise your child as much as you can and he will grow up an empathetic, gentle and indulgent man… to himself.
  28. If your child is born to be a girl – cheer her up. Tell her that it is not the worst thing that could happen to her. It could be even worse – she could be a boy.
  29. Respect child’s work. A child needs a few hours of persistent efforts to create that turmoil that you encounter when you come back home.
  30. Remember that there is not just one step from love to loathe in relationships between children and parents but one little chink. You don’t put your fingers in it.
  31. Keep in mind that if your teen is impudent, self-confident, doubts every time, ruthless and kind, greedy and selfless, trusting and clever, stupid and genius it means that you have a completely normal child.
  32. If your child requires you to love him for who he is, ask him to wash his face first.
  33. If a child is trying to enrage you intentionally – be patient. Lock inside of yourself, barricade and call for help – your wife.
  34. Do not try to force your child to respect you. It’s impossible to be respected by forcing someone. Let him be afraid of you. It would be enough for him to say thank you in the future for his happy childhood.
  35. Never tell your daughter that she disgusts you to look at as she gets dirty. Tell her that she’s beautiful but chalk, jam and ketchup on her nose spoil her beauty.
  36. Remember that a child is sinless because he has never eaten any paradise fruits and doesn’t know how to tell good from bad.
  37. If you are present at the birth of your child, firstly inform your child on all his rights and have that awkward sex talk to him when you’re allowed to take the baby in your hands. If you are lucky you’ll have enough time to explain him what is what before he starts to explore this field of human relationships himself or under control of more experienced peers. And no worries if the child doesn’t understand anything. On the other hand, just about half of your parental duties is yet to be performed.