I know from experience that almost any woman who comes to the pregnancy preparation classes wants to become the ideal mother. They come for the purpose to receive the fullest information about childbirth, breastfeeding, the psychology of the newborn, early development …
These women often tell how much do they want to learn to understand and feel the child. They seek to give to the baby as much as possible for the future. They are afraid to make fatal mistakes, which will affect the destiny of the child.
I think that many mothers-to-be and fathers-to-be who have looked through the sites for the parents want to be the ideal parents for their child (children).
The Image Of The Perfect Mother
But let’s look at the image of the ideal mother in modern society. It is a woman who entirely gives herself to the care of the newborn baby; when it grows up, she spends with the baby a lot of her time, in every possible way developing the child or taking the baby to numerous occupations of early development.
She always knows what is her baby wants, why he is sad or capricious. An ideal mother is also very patient. Such a mother never shouts at the baby, never slaps the baby, is never angry, and never puts her interests higher, than those of the child. Whether it is possible to reach it and what price has to be paid to reach this ideal? Does the child need such a mother?
Here I want to distract a little from the main subject and to talk about aspirations to being an ideal mom. The matter is that this phenomenon is very widespread in our society and is often destructive to a specific person. The higher the level is exposed, the more difficult it is to be achieved in reality, the bigger the difference between your own achievements and an ideal is, the bigger is the disappointment in yourself. As the matter of fact, you feel less pleased and you have no feeling of self-realization.
In addition, an attempt to be ideal usually excludes the opportunity to be engaged in several directions of actions, because the better achievement you can have if concentrated in a single direction.
Imagine the young or already mature woman who did not start professional growth yet or, on the contrary, already reached some level and being on the threshold of motherhood. This is an area in which it is also possible to achieve much, there is a competition and an embodiment of own ambitions. The newborn baby smells and smiles so wonderfully, stretches his hands to his mother, and then kisses and embraces. And this is the best fuel women fill their maternity tank with for years as “ideal” mothers.
First Things First
Sometimes such women stop thinking about returning to work and even push their relations with the husband to a far corner. At first, they say something like: “We did pee-pee. We pooped”. A bit later: “We went to Montessori’s school». And after: “We are in the first year of school” and “We chose the department of economics of our university”. And this is where you may encounter the problem of the grown-up child – a problem of self-identification and separation from his mother.
So what kind of mother does the child need to find his way in the future and to become successful?
WELL, FIRST, the baby DOESN’T NEED “AN IDEAL MOTHER” AT ALL BECAUSE THE ASPIRATION TO THE IDEAL DOESN’T ALLOW THE WOMAN TO BE HERSELF, TO express TRUE FEELINGS. THE BABY NEEDS A REAL MOTHER. WITH ALL RANGE OF EMOTIONS FROM TENDERNESS TO THE IRRITATION BECAUSE IN HIS FUTURE HE WILL BE SURROUNDED BY SUCH VARIETY OF FEELINGS.
For the small child in the first half of the year of his life is necessary to have a certain merge to a mother, as its mentality did not ripen for separation yet. However, already at this age when the child is full and dry, lies on the back, and looks at his hands or on a spot on the wallpaper, it needs loneliness.
But there are a lot of mothers who are representing their role incorrectly when they break the privacy of the kid or feel guilty that they are engaged in some business at the time!
At 6-8 months the baby gets up on all fours and starts crawling away from the mother, but generally to the mother. This time also demands the ability of the mother to release the child from herself, but many “ideal” mothers worry about the safety issues they are entirely responsible for.
Growing up, the child needs own experience and own choices, and the woman has more and more time for personal interests and relations with other people. the But mother who set an aim to become “ideal” never notice that and lives the life of the child, not her own, for many years. In the future, it should develop into a severe crisis.
Therefore, the baby needs a mother who will manage to treat him not as the only element of existence (in the opposite situation – moving the child away on the extreme periphery of life – is also dangerous, though it is a subject of another story), but as one of main elements of her happy life.
As a summary, I want to wish to all who reads this article to find that golden mean of the motherhood and paternity where interests of all parties are considered. I came to that through a long period, nearly eighteen years, through the birth and growth of my three children, near the beloved husband, and I still continue to go and look for my way.
Born in Belarus, 1985, a pedagogue and family psychologist, mother. Taking part in procedures of social adaptation of the foster children in new families. Since 2015 is a chief editor of the motherhow.com project, selecting the best and up-to-date material for those, who are planning, expecting, and already having babies.