Where do the children come from? An eternal question. Everybody seems to know how to answer it but doesn’t know how to answer it clearly. However, the answer, in general, consists of two parts. The first – is simple: mother, her stomach, and possible ways to get out of this stomach. The second part – is more difficult. And what about dad?
Really, considerable abilities are required in order to characterize the role of a father in the child’s birth without platitude and use of offensive language. But what is particularly interesting: we perceive the fact, that the father is informed on his role and knows what to do, as self-evident.
And here it is necessary to state with grief: in most cases, the role of a father in many cases is just an episode. (The author of the original article, Doctor Komarovsky, being the pediatrician, has a daily opportunity to look through the so-called passport part of clinical records.)
Often in the column “place of work and the age of parents,” you may read: “21 years, the student” or “24 years, temporarily jobless” pretty often. And you start imagining such a situation involuntarily. A certain student, 21 years old, decided to get small aquarian fish. At first, this young man will count, how much money it is necessary to spend on it. Then he will think about what aquarium to buy and where to put it, will get consulted about the fishes to put in, and will decide on a question about who, when, and how will feed them.
Small fishes – is a charm! It sounds cruel, but they even die silently…
The Two Sides of Parenting
But what if the same student who has just learned how to kiss, rents the apartment shares it with friends, and decides to start a family. His imagination draws bright prospects of warmth, coziness, and unlimited sexual life. But after some time, it appears that such life leads to children. And in nine months it becomes clear: there’s no money, coziness, no rest, and there is no sexual life anymore. But the job is done.
In such a situation, an imperative need to revise our traditional ideas of the role of the father appears. After all, it becomes obvious – that in paternity, there are two sides: biological and social.
It always seemed difficult to us to explain to children the biological role of the father. Notorious school pestles and statements don’t satisfy children’s curiosity, but the press, television, and stories of friends meet lack education with interest. As for the social functions of the future father, they haven’t been explained anywhere – that’s why everybody is convinced of evidence of this knowledge.
The biological inability to become a father represents a certain illness. Very often doctors can help. But what about social immaturity? How to deal with it? Who will help? Nobody! It’s all in your hands! Therefore, you will be engaged in self-rescue at discovering the role of a father.
So, we mean the possibility of performance of biological function (productive sexual intercourse). Also, we need knowledge, accurate knowledge – not female snivels and emotions, not lamentations like “small, poor, the nice”, but accurate information is still necessary. The real man is simply obliged to know what is good and what is bad for a child and what is the role of a father.
Trust me: your beloved (mother of your newborn or future child) only pretends that she knows how to feed him, to dress, bathe and treat, what to buy, where to put a cradle, when to walk, when to sleep, etc.
Related article: Husband vs Baby. Father’s Time
The Man’s Job: The Well-Played Role of a Father
Yes, the maternal instinct is many times stronger than that of the father. Sure, you cannot feel someone bumping you from the inside… What an unearthly relief, what a pleasure when after several hours of pain the baby cries for the first time. That means you became a mother, became the real Woman… Then goes nursing… The difficulty of the biological role (to become pregnant, bear pregnancy, give birth) doesn’t testify about a bigger knowledge and bigger ability to be introduced into social functions.
I emphasize it once again: knowledge of the newly made mother and father are absolutely equal concerning what to do with the child – i.e. practically the difference does not exist. Who should take decisions? What is right – female feelings, emotions, instincts, or man’s judiciousness, logic, common sense?
The probability that the wrong decision will be taken by the man is many times lower. But the main problem is that men, first, have to understand, and secondly, be eager to take these decisions.
Of course, there will always be controversial issues – when without special knowledge, without the help of an expert (the doctor, the teacher) it is difficult to take the correct decision, I’d say – almost impossible. But a huge number of problems, turn out to be successfully solvable with the mutual efforts of two equal partners.
We will designate these problems in brief.
- It is not a women’s thing! This is a business of a family. Do you know how the internal combustion engine works? Candles, rings, valves, cylinders… And how the organism of your wife works? Uterus, pipes, ovaries, cycle, ovulation, “critical days”… Perhaps it is worth taking an interest? The major part of the civilized world takes pills, but you can still hear: “Hormones! Never!”. Perhaps, you, the adult, and the same man will be able to understand, and then explain to your wife that 5 years of swallowing the birth-control pills is less harmful than abortion 1 time every 5 years. You are a man, a future father, have to be specifically interested and obliged to do anything in order for your child doesn’t become an incident but would be consciously conceived by two loving adult people. Conceived the on the day of an appropriate season, the health state of the parents, optimum material state for the pregnancy, childbirth, ability to provide care of the newborn.
- Have you already gotten acquainted with the gynecologist? Do you know where you will give birth to your child? And didn’t you forget about the children’s doctor? Perhaps, before childbirth, you should get a consultation? Or should you wait for diseases, and then search for the pediatrician? The wife is on the front line (in maternity hospital). But who if not you – a man – will provide the backs.
- Children will cost you money. Full leaving and education – worth a pretty penny. This penny for all 100% is on your male conscience! That is still the main role of a father – to provide the necessities! The man respecting himself first has to pay off his debts first, and then bring children.
- Always remember – this is your child! Yours and only yours! Any help from grandmothers and grandfathers has to be considered desirable, but by no means – obligatory. And only you are a mother and the father, who have the right to make decisions! In advance, before childbirth, before the kid appears in your house – you, the man, is obliged to hold the diplomatic negotiations, do everything to coordinate the principles of relationship with the senior generation.
Read more about Fatherhood as the Quality of a Real Man
The Role of a Father: Old Stereotypes
Stereotypes like “the mother and the child”, female work, and man’s work – have to be overcome easily. Would you only wish, that the man gets his self-confidence and his forces very quickly, the conviction that he knows what is necessary for his child better than anyone else! But the most terrible that they, men, very often DON’T WANT. Don’t want to make decisions, don’t want to be men! May it sound loud, but generally they, the men, are responsible for the emancipation! And they, women, having no hope for anyone’s help, make decisions and try to realize them in practice.
They decide on the medications, prescribed by the doctor, what should a child wear in July, and how to treat teething. Like the doctor I declare: from the point of view of the UN – emancipation is good, and from the point of view of pediatrics – it is bad.
It is obvious that reproduction, from any point of view – biological, social, or economic – is one of the main missions of the Person. And if health allows you to have children, this is happiness. But this happiness will be full only when your children are happy. Is it banal? It could be so, but for some reason, it is not obvious to everybody. Without a job, housing, and health, how does one give birth to children? Such things also happen.
And it’s terrible… Are there many those, who can brag about health, well-paid job, and good housing?
But there is a strong wish for a baby! You want to look in its’ eyes, know that the baby is yours, flesh from your flesh, the most beautiful, clever, and dear! And they smell so nice! As your baby embraces you and says: “I love you, daddy…”. What is a family without children?
Do you feel so? Can’t you live without a child anymore? Can you observe the kids of your friends indifferently, without light envy? Do you know what to do? If you can give everything for having a child, then you are ready, but then don’t forget to give everything, but the biological part of parenting! You do, what you have to! You can, you are worthy to be a father. And make sure you know how to play the role of a father well!
Born in Belarus, 1985, a pedagogue and family psychologist, mother. Taking part in procedures of social adaptation of the foster children in new families. Since 2015 is a chief editor of the motherhow.com project, selecting the best and up-to-date material for those, who are planning, expecting, and already having babies.